Yearnings

There's something unsettling about being in graduate school for five years and finding that what you yearn for is something far more complex and yet still so out of reach.

Unfinished: Seeds in Dark Pockets

I find this emergent painting to be the epitome of the existential paradox. We all know seeds need light in order to live and grow. However, there is a stage at which the darkness fulfills a mysterious purpose in the maturation of the seed into a spout. Without this process in the dark, the soft, living part can never be released from its outer shell. Similarly, without embracing the moments of existential crisis, we never grow into our fullest human capacities. If we are unaware of what those dark pockets hold within us, we react to conflicts rather than consciously respond to them with wisdom and grace. Getting to know ones deepest self is the beginning of freedom from the destructive cycles both within our personalities, and the programmed conditioning our past. This commitment to self-process lays the foundation for persons to mature; a maturity that moves beyond self into service of others. Arts-based Self-inquiry is a gateway for the emancipation from the socio-cultural conditions learners live within. In art education, the pedagogical move towards lived experiences, Big Ideas, and social issues challenges the teacher to face themselves in more sober and authentic ways than ever before. Existential question come up in the classroom, and art educators need to be able to address these vulnerably and wisely. Encouraging, or giving courage, to ourselves and the people we serve is a gift we can not afford to give.

The Shaman's Work

What does the shaman and the creative interventionist (artist) have in common? Both can be connected to Lifeforce, the healing energy that is Being. Although some say Heidegger's notion of Being is essentialistic, it transcends Western Dualism by establishng the unity of the object and subject within experience. It bridges the material to the Spiritual, the human to the Divine, the Cosmic to the finite. This inner state of unity needs not be percieved as an individualistic pursuit, but rather the doorway to participating in the multi-faceted rhizomatic energy that connects all living, breathing entities. The shaman is familiar with the paths into this altered reality, and moves between these paradoxial realities, bringing the soul back into its place of rest. It knows its spiriitual Home within the world. This is what the power of creativity does to us. It bridges the unknown, the unconscious, the deeply seated embodied knowings into alighment with the mystery of the Force of Life within the Universe. This is our healing, our greatest source of presence and joy. It bridges body to mind, opening both to new heighted states of awareness and consciousness by releasing the flow of energy through our bodies. This flow breathes new life into being in the world

Self-Inquiry as Prayer: Going in & In

Investigating the self is a phenomenological endeavor, a reflection upon experience and the experiencer. It is about re-cognizing, identifying, and becoming aware of the structures of meaning within. From a holistic approach, it includes describing, analyzing, interpreting, and evaluating the embodied conditions of lived experience. This includes memories, associated feelings, the place in which the body holds this stored knowledge, values, perceptions, personality, temperament, cycles of moods. It dives down below the surface of the Lifeworld that Husserl and Schutz discuss to access a world that is distance and yet so familiar. It is often our enemy and yet the path to our greatest freedom. It is the state of mind to a place of present openenss and awareness of our our deepest internal landcape. Heiddeger calls this "Dasien, the primal nature of our Being"; the space that unifies subject and object. Furthermore, our truest Being is often overthrown by the ways in which we get caught up in Being-In-the World through identifying with feelings and moods or particular attitudes. Through attuning to Being, we enter Presence, and self once again is able to finds its breath, ground into Lifeforce; its hope, and possibility.
The journey of this dissertation fieldwork between myself and another local painter has been challenging and profoundly life changing. Everyday as I seek to better understand the function of art, expression, creativity, and painting, I am faced with the grand complexities of the meaning of existence. It aesthetically affects the role that my inner awareness plays in increasing my capacity to become emotional grounded in life. Its no wonder that the awe of creation and the symbolism of my emerging "Subterranean" work has reflected natural and organic shapes, seeds, stones, weeds, and layers of soil and sediment. Its the entrance into the fertile earth, into Creation, and into Home. Its a never ending prayer that returns me to the Source within my self, My being, my Life.

The Energy of the Feminine

I often wonder what would be different if there had been JUST AS MANY women philosophers writing about and discussing the fundamentals of existence along side men like Kierkegaard, Nietzche, and Heidegger. But, then perhaps it wouldn't be called philosophy. Early on there was the presence of women like Hildegaard, St. Teresa, and Sorjuana whose work was influential, but within the circles of faith and the church. Apart from the historical role of women in society, this seems to be a very telling fact, perhaps, about the different way men and women perceive, discuss, and experience the world. (No matter whether by nature or nuture) All humans pray, need intimate connections, and have the capacity to be emotionally sensitive, but the words and methods used to discuss these experience is often quite polar. Just as science and art converge in spirituality, perhaps the feminine and masculine energies converge in art and encourage the restoration of balance and unity.

The Existential Embrace:Art as Non Duality and Truth

It seems the creative process in its most universal aspects is an existential embrace. To be is to also embrace non-being. To embrace being and non-being is to enter into the process of becoming. Embracing nonbeing means to be open rather than resistant to difficult experiences and emotions connected with crisis, anxiety, fear, pain, and death. It means to courageously walk into them, feel them, express them, rather than wiggle around or away from them. It requires the grounding into the lamp of the whole being; the attentive, aware, Infinite/Spirit-filled Self to enlighten the path of interior knowledge. When we embrace the darkness, the unknown, and the fear of annihilation, our perceptions and meanings about existence are stretched, strengthened, and opened to our deepest Self, the ground of Being where Presence exists. From there, courage is able to flood into a willful decision to love and hope in-spite-of the fear. This is the creative process of transfromation and Self-Becoming.

Poem: The Dance of Being

The Dance of Being

The smell of death dances it rhythm;
Drums beating faintly as
Branches bare themselves to open spaces

Here in this fertile valley-
Where corn and sunflowers sing their bliss
Blanketing my head, burying my body,
kissing my wound goodnight
Until child lies down, her breath carries off by the wind.

Oh Ancients, your roots bathe the earth like
longing outstretched arms exhaling invitations
Meandering through fields to brush against my ear
Cooling tear-drenched face.
Oh Ancients of Love, in glistening hues,
Praising sky and invoking dewy buds to open;
Your hands beckon me to enter.

Child gathering up flowy dress, to stand
Yet tripping over mossy rocks,
She surrenders.
Slipping through sacred portal
Clenched jaws now so gracefully released.

Here at lake's edge she exhales
Sister stars radiate cosmic doorstep opening onto
Chartreuse vistas stretched out in long-awaited welcome.

Supported in pearly web of Infinite breath that
Vibrates, crumbling thirsty earth.
Trampoline pressed down, release her winter into sweet wine
Separate sugar from the ash

Now, drench sullen eyes with light.
Enter fragrant death with dancing
Arise fullest ecstasy
Only to melt back into your earthiness once more.

Life is in the Hidden Rhizome

I ran across these quotes by C.G. Jung in Dreams, Memories, and Reflections (1961) and thought it well represents the spirit behind my new collection of subterranean paintings.

"Life has always seemed to me to be a rhizome. Its true life is invisible, hidden in the rhizome. The part that appears above ground lasts only a single summer. Then it withers away- an ephemeral apparition. When we think of the unending growth and decay of civilizations we can not escape the impressionn of absolute nullity. Yet I have never lost a sense of something that lives and endures underneath the eternal flux. What we see is the blossom, which passes. What remains is the rhizome" (p. 4).

"Everything in the unconscious seeks outward manifestation, and the personality too desires to evolve out of its unconscious conditions and to experience itself as a whole” (p. 3).

The Landscape of Jung's Unconscious

The contributions of the life and work of Carl Gustav Jung seem to be undervalued and misunderstood still today. Though most people recognize Jung as a pioneer in the science of psychology (literally the study of the Soul) he was mainly concerned with religious questions, and the psycho spiritual dynamics of the human being. At a time in which spirituality and experience were issues relegated to the Church, Jung was investigating and naming the deeper capacities and shifting realities of the human unconscious. This was considered heretical by theological standards, and only after his death, did some begin to recognize the religious impact of his work. Although as a psychiatrist Jung observed and analyzed the lives of clinical patients, his greatest source of understanding came from his own subjective experiences and self-inquiry. He observed his dreams, noticed feminine and masculine aspects within his associations, recognized the psyche's nature towards creativity, symbolism, integration between opposites, and opened up new language for navigating these forces. Contrary to what some thought, he explicitly declared his allegiance to Christianity, though recognized the Creator God as more than the dual force of goodness opposing evil. In his autobiography Memories, Dreams and Reflections (1961) he states, "I find that all my thoughts circle around God like the planets around the sun, and are irresistibly attracted to Him. I would feel it the grossest sin if I were to oppose any resistance to this force" (p xi). What I find so fascinating is that Jung tapped into the dynamics of the unknown hoping to become closer to the Mystery within. In doing so he opened a whole new way to see and deal with the self through introspection and reflection. I wonder if Jung read Heidegger and connected the psyche to Being? None-the-less his Jung's work on the individuation process is about establishing ones sense of complete Being, the Self. Indeed Jung brought to the world a greater understanding of the most primordial form of art seen through the mind's inner eye: the creativity of symbol and story for the purpose of reuniting us to Wholeness.

Discovering Presence

At what time in your life did you realize that you existed? Perhaps it was a moment in time that you felt transported to a different plane of reality, something jolted your senses, or caused you a deep sense of reverence or awe. Who is this person who experiences these things? Might this be the source of awareness, your inner person, your deepest self? Are we our personalities. do our emotions or anxieties define us?
Could it be that our most "Authentic" parts are found within the aesthetic experience of being? At every moment, beyond every thought or feeling, this sense of pure and simple being is the foundation of life, and the foundation of ones deepest source of truth. It is the seat of the consciousness where we exist as is. This is a liberating reality. If we learn to identify with this space, which some think of as sacred nature, or as God, The Infinite, The Holy Spirit, Christ, The Light Within, we can recognize source of Life.. Being is a PRACTICE- It is a committed PROCESS rooted in tuning our inner selves to listen, to prayer, meditation, looking within, and reflecting. When we enter this awareness of being, we see ourselves and others in fresh light, as creations with purpose and possibility, opened and trusting to the lessons life brings. Today as you walk outside your home into your day, think about your breath, become aware of the Life Forces that energize your body, enjoy the warm sunlight upon your face, recognize you are a small, albeit important part of Divine creation. Allow this to return yourself to your inmost place of Love, gratitude, forgiveness. Return to Being, your Source of Truth.

The Influential Pedagogy of Yoga

Increasingly, I recognize that a self-inquiry is concerned with BEING and Becoming; grounding into presence and the consciousness of different internal states. It is phenomenological in that it requires active participation in experience. It is transformational because it evolves the way we see and treat ourselves and others. Though focused on my experience in painting, another practice that is complementing and deepening my insights into the creative process is YOGA. I have been doing yoga off and on for about three years. This summer I made a commitment to a tri-weekly practice which I do both at home and with a yoga class community. Yoga means "to unite" and it is a practice that calls upon breath, our life force and Lifeforce that sutures the mind and body into one whole.
In my class last Monday, as I filled my body with breathe and blood, I entered a state of being that is very similar to painting in the studio. Through the process of inhalations and exhalations, the yoga practice moves the energy of breath through the body. It is both a physical, mental, and spiritual practice that invites one to breathe in the purity of eternal life-force, and then to release the built-up stress and negativity of life. The person experiences a circulatory “cleansing” that provides an emotional and sacred sense of centeredness; a oneness within the awareness; a unity in the "temple of one's body". Often this healing and cleansing energy is regarded as warm, vibrating light that floods the body, utilizing the mind’s inner vision to guide the meditative practice. Painting, while less physically energetic for some, utilizes kinesthetic expressive movement in mindful ways, moving consciousness deep into the unconsciousness of the immediate present where time and space melt away; where breathe becomes slow and steady. In this way, Yoga is like the process of painting in that it embodies a creative process that moves through and unifies the body and imagination. Just as a Zen tenant states, “life process and words about it are not the same thing and should not be treated as such”, Yoga and painting must be experienced and practiced in order to be understood and transformed by it.
Upon painting for a few hours, I feel connected, accomplished, and hopeful. After yoga practice I enter this same state. My internal energies are smoothed and balanced. I experience a grounded, calm sense of wellbeing, wholeness, or completion. This is often accompanied by an opened heart of love, or the sense of floating joy. Although this feeling, or state of being usually lasts for an hour or so after practice, it cultivates the consciousness to see the beautiful possibilities of what the gift of Life has the potential to internally feel like. It literally changes and alters perception about existence. In this way, yoga just like painting or singing hymns lifts the heart as a form of worship and devotion to the Creator. It opens a new way of knowing and being in the world. It changes the way we see ourselves, others, and the world by expanding and loosening the focal grip of the mind that gets wrapped tightly around negativities and worries. It is a holistic and psychologically therapeutic practice that helps cope with and therefore master our responses to the ebb and flow of life challenges. It is a ‘restorative path of perception’ towards emotional and spiritual maturity. Yoga and painting as “expressive” arts helps fill us with vitality which empowers us to become living works of art.

Creativity is a Form of Love

One perspective of personal transformation that takes place through arts practice, is from the Christian tradition, best expressed by the ideas of counselor, John Sanford.

“Creativity is the expression of God’s love, one of the greatest gifts humans possess” (Sanford, 1970, p. 158). When we are in contact with the inner world, we can expereince the opening of the heart where the treasures of the Kingdom of God become available. Human beings are creations crafted and formed into the image of God. When we create, there is the possiblity to enter into this sacred presence of the Infinite; we lose our sense of time and space, and slip into a state of expanded consciousness. In this expereince our heart and unconscious parts of self shift and surface into expression. Sometimes this comes as a disruptive earthquake that shake our foundations, moving boulders of limitations aside to make room for new growth and maturity.

From this perspective, self-inquiry through the process if painting is about the birthing of a new personality. In a psychological sense, the expereince of creativity through artmaking represents the end of an old order and the establishment of a new way of being in the world. The creative contents of the inner world begin to overthrow the previous organization of the personality, opening to the coming of the Kingdom of God within us. At the heart of the birth of this new person is “the complete human being”, the consciousness of Christ within ourselves- the union of our total personality.

For where your treasure is, there is your heart (Matt.6:21).

Inspired and adapted from the Chapter “The Coming of the Kingdom of God” in John Sandford’s book, The Kingdom Within (1970).

The Fragile & Rooted Self

Yesterday I discovered I need to develop more objective skills in dealing with those teary, dreadful, and overwhelming moments of negativity. These moments of the 'fragile self', where I get scared, judgmental, and resistant, sometimes overwhelm me and my actions. Understanding and healing through these dynamics of the personality requires an opened attitude, which can illuminate why they exist. Then, this more 'rooted self', as opposed to the 'fragile self', has the capacity for willfully living; freely being and thriving in the world, no matter what obstacles come one's way.

works in progress

Why can painting be healing and transformative? Within the safe and sacred space of the studio, placing paint onto canvas is a way of reclaiming the fragile self from its own destructive forces. The fragile self doesn't know its true value nor power. It often expereinces feelings of being alone, rejected, unworthy, ashamed, inadequate, and abandoned. It often wants to slip away and die. Painting as a creative act like writing poetry or dancing is a tool and focal reminder of a much truer and supportive reality- that of the pleasurable joy of color and sound, freedom from judgment, and the warm familiarity with the grand mystery of life. There is a heightened sense of ones being which is illuminated by the creative life force within; the coming of the Kingdom of God within the heart. Painting as a process of self-inquiry moves the emotional energies within the body and soul, shifting and settling the subterranean earth of the unconscious into new conscious manifestations, and capacities to act. Excavating the heart as a process of self-inquiry opens new possibilities for managing, coping with, and growing through life's woundings.

Prayer Poem

Prayer Illumined

Digging within our own ground
In the poverty of the heart
We find a bridge to the Absolute;
Sleeping in the light, a seed of hope lay dormant
Waiting to learn how to love and be loved.

And with a match ignited, de Guadelupe’s flame
Sends vibrating ripples through the cosmos
With Mother Mary’s cries for compassion and
Infinite Nature’s whisper for
The awakened birth of universal heart;
I sit in the circular silence of breath
Connected,
Embraced,
Estatic,
Whole.

She said that the fire is already within you
But when it is fed,
It’ll blaze a great light
That will lead your path and
Illuminate your journey.
And I said I am waiting for the explosion.